It’s late at night when I’m writing this, school is starting tomorrow, and I just feel so tired. I know I’ve barely written on here, and it’s just because I don’t know what to write. Sometimes I get an idea for something, but I just can’t formulate it, and it really depresses me when I look at all the things I’ve tried and just never finished. I’ve got an album coming up, it feels like I’ve finished it, but every time I listen to it, it feels like there’s something I should improve or change. Like I’m happy with most of the music, but I just, don’t feel right about releasing it. Uploading the tracks I have, felt like a really big moment, but now I feel stressed because I’m worried I’ll wanna change something about them. I had someone contact me on discord earlier saying they wanted to use my music in something, and it really made me happy someone thought that it was good enough for that. But I just, don’t feel like my music is ready for that. Same with my writing, the most recent thingy that I’m writing at this point just feels like I’m venting all of my most depressive thoughts into it, and I feel like everything I do is so cliché. Even though I know the emotions are real I’m scared no one else will get them. I often feel like I want to vent to my friends about the things I feel, but just don’t because I feel like they wouldn’t understand, or that they’d hate me after.
Like they’d hate me for feeling them. And it hurts, feeling like nobody really understands me hurts. But at the same time I feel like I don’t deserve a platform. I’m so overwhelmed with all of these emotions, and I feel so lost because of it. I miss the old times, when I’d just post on some game site and not feel so shitty about everything I did; but here I am, with my own blog venting about my feelings because I don’t know where else to put them, knowing it’s not going to be okay. Nothing I do will ever take off, nothing I do will ever matter, and it’s all my fault. I’m uncreative, horrible at descriptions, and scared of releasing things. Everything is just going so fast, I’m so overwhelmed, and I don’t know what to anymore. My motivation to do anything is just gone, convincing myself to sit through anything is a chore. I’ll boot up a game and just alt f4 because it won’t grab my attention. I have a project with a deadline closing in soon and I know I won’t complete it because of how stupid I am. I’m wasting time right now writing this stupid post, I’m sorry for being such a disappointment. I shouldn’t even be writing this because I want to keep this blog professional, but it feels like I should post something and I don’t know what else to post.
I’m sorry for being such a failure, I don’t deserve any of this. I don’t deserve whatever few readers I have, I don’t deserve the few listeners I have. I don’t even deserve the friends I have, I’m a complete let down.
Edit: While trying to push this post to my site, my dumbass accidently overwrote the main index of my site, and because I didn’t back it up I had to partially recreate the main part of my site. How lovely!